okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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