Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
