are you still at the devil's house?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
