My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
