I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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