If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
