You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
