I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize