Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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