i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
