guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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