You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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