I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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