Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
