"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize