I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
