I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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