Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This is my gift to your gina
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
