...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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