So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
