I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
