Can i not drive my cunt home
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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