So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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