I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I need to sanitize my soul.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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