Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Randomize