last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
