The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
