Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
