Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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