Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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