btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
