So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize