Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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