Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
