Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
