chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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