Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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