A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
