my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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