I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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