I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
