And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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