The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
