Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
