Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
