Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
