she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
