You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
