I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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