There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
