i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
...so i touched it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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