I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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