it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My bed smells like the plague
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
