The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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