We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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