dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
