I wish my penis had an off switch
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
