Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
