Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
