not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
