At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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