they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
