then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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