all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
