I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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