Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Holy sore nipples Batman
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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