I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
